Gary Panter blog

WALLY

I'm a fucking beaver, out here in the woods chewing down a fucking tree, is what's happening. What do you think, smart ass?!

I saw you talking to the fish. Fuck fish! Fish think they are so fucking smart, but hey, fish are stone cold candy-assed fools. They have no fucking idea what goes on up and out and over and around here. Out in our woods of the clear air with the whispering elm and shaky maple or whatever the fuck; the bitter fir or sibilant martin; glowing lichen and wildcat pee-stained moss bank. No fuckin clue. A little jump out of the drink and what do they learn? Not much, sister! Something about a worm? Get out and walk around and learn something, Karl. Live a little! Carry something over a stump for as change. Spoiled brats! I have no sympathy for them. They don't deserve— they deserve what ever they get.

Me, as I chew down a friggin tree, I am watching those tall pale motherfuckers grope and stumble about and all their shenanigans and hijinx and goings-on far away from their white meat hive. They are always up to something and it is not good! I hunch in the under-bush and observe piously. The Whatchacallums. I don't know what they call em, but I am keeping a close eye, believe me, sailor. They are crunching around hooting and such—making hot spots and smelly areas, dis-infections, wire barriers and deafening reports— and corks. Kind of like Pepto Bismol colored or cocoa-flavored walking stick insects, but seven tails erect, some of them, cheap bastards in shabby threads and shecky Tees. Fleshy blabbing lemurs in stripes and dots or jaggered with canopies or jugends. Never for a minute quiet. Can't shut up.

Last night in my sub-pond hidey hole, or beaver cave if you prefer, suit yourself, either way. I was shaking like a leaf, no shit. There was a BIG WHOPPING THUD right on my crap and I was freakin out, Inspector Fenwick. The twigs were heaving and shaking, rattling—I thought the whole mess would come loose, whisking me up some shit creek with a big fat functional fucking paddle, right? You with me? Sittin in splinters? But somehow! Gee whizz! Holey moley! Somehow my little soggy wet dripping love shack withstood whatever ever the fuck was going on out there. I didn't dare look. Those fucking ass-holes—maybe Yogi or Bullwinkle J Moose or Wally Gator or some other dick, probably. Officer Ranger or some stupid fuck. Fucking around. Rattling on and on and on about something! Not minding their own damn business. Coming around here like mincing gaylords and tearing shit up in their propulsion units or dropping a royal pain in the loaf. Me, I chew a gas hose or starter connection now and then, I eagerly admit it. Slow up the snivelling shits, I say. Give em a kick. It's only fair! They are fucking with my shit, right? Fuck, man! Boo hoo, right?

A gas hose is nothing. I can chew straight through a big honking log even! No problem! In no time flat. Like you would a carrot. But I'm not stuck up about it. How do i do it? You of all people should ask. Well, that's for me to know and for you to miserably fail to find out. A trade secret. There is a technique and maybe a little show biz and deception involved, but I sincerely do gnaw my way through plank, heavy timber, branch or bough. There is a certain sincere angle that helps. I don't try to analyze it, really. I knew since I was a little peckerwood that I had a gift, knack, talent, luck—a witching way with wood. Whatever you people call it. Board-feet. length-o-pine, pole, shim. peg. shilleleagh or switch!